Gay and In the Military

It must be really difficult for the men and women who are in the military who fight this crazy war on terrorism. I can't imagine what it is like to be fighting for your country that is suppose to represent freedom, yet misrepresents everything that freedom stands for like freedom to speak your mind, freedom of the press, and the pursuit of happiness. I have many friends who are in the military, most of them have been to Iraq, who tell me about what it is like to be gay and in the military. Contrary to what I thought, or at least the people I know, they say that being gay is difficult, but not impossible. My male friends, some of whom are the queen of queens say that, the military expects for you not to boast or brag about your sexuality. My friends still speak with a twang and walk with a twitch, but when it comes time to do what you have to do, these gurls get into military drag, grab their guns, aim and shoot just like the others. I asked one of my buddies how does the "don't ask, don't tell" policy effect him personally, to which he replied that because he is trying to move up in the rank, and because the culture of the army is so testosterone driven, that he keeps to himself. He made it specific to note that this does not mean that he does not have his "fun". Based on our conversations, I gathered that on his base there are countless Black Gay and Lesbian persons. As we usually do, we have this unspoken way of speaking to one another to identify that we are all part of the same struggle. There are those of us in the military who choose not to even secretly come out to one another, but still rely on Adam for Adam for our hook-ups. Thank God for the internet. God bless the Black Gay and Lesbian people who are dying for me and you.

Fear

Why is it that I allow myself to be trapped by so much fear. Fear of failing, fear of succeding, fear of what others might say, fear of what I might think. The reason I post this is because, I feel stuck. Why, because I refuse to do what my heart tells me to do. Take for example taking the GRE, I have wanted to take this dam test for so long, at least 6 years, time has gone by month after month after month with my not taking it. I even went as far as buying a study guide, studying for the dam test yet, fear held me back. My next strategy was to just schedule myself for the dam test, pay the money and force myself to take it, what happend? Nothing. Thats rite. I just did not show up for the test why? I was afraid of not getting a high score. As a result of not taking the dam test, I delayed getting into grad school one more year just because of fear. As I look back and think of my test taking skills, I can proudly say that I did pretty well on tests in school and undergrad. The last time I had this type of fear for a test had to do with taking the SAT, I just did not sleep for a week prior to the SAT fearing that I was not good enough and that the test would somehow prove it. I wanted to get into a private school so bad and needed that test score to validate to them little old white recruiters that this little black gay Haitian boy was good enough for their institution. As a result of my fearing I did not do as good on the SATs as I needed to and did not get into the school of my first choice. I litterally created my own demise and use fear as the coffin that burried my hopes and dreams. That was 10 years ago, today here I am repeating that cycle all over again.