Fear

Why is it that I allow myself to be trapped by so much fear. Fear of failing, fear of succeding, fear of what others might say, fear of what I might think. The reason I post this is because, I feel stuck. Why, because I refuse to do what my heart tells me to do. Take for example taking the GRE, I have wanted to take this dam test for so long, at least 6 years, time has gone by month after month after month with my not taking it. I even went as far as buying a study guide, studying for the dam test yet, fear held me back. My next strategy was to just schedule myself for the dam test, pay the money and force myself to take it, what happend? Nothing. Thats rite. I just did not show up for the test why? I was afraid of not getting a high score. As a result of not taking the dam test, I delayed getting into grad school one more year just because of fear. As I look back and think of my test taking skills, I can proudly say that I did pretty well on tests in school and undergrad. The last time I had this type of fear for a test had to do with taking the SAT, I just did not sleep for a week prior to the SAT fearing that I was not good enough and that the test would somehow prove it. I wanted to get into a private school so bad and needed that test score to validate to them little old white recruiters that this little black gay Haitian boy was good enough for their institution. As a result of my fearing I did not do as good on the SATs as I needed to and did not get into the school of my first choice. I litterally created my own demise and use fear as the coffin that burried my hopes and dreams. That was 10 years ago, today here I am repeating that cycle all over again.